First TImers
Top Four Q&A (First TImers)
All Q&A (First TImers)
-
Q. Me and my boyfriend are both virgins and we are planning on having sex soon. I have been in other relationships but nothing really serious happened and I know I’m his first relationship. Should we get checked for STIs/STDs before we have sex? Can we even catch an STI/STD since we are both virgins?
A.View AnswerIt depends what you mean by “nothing really serious”. If you have had oral sex there is a chance of contracting certain STIs/STDs although the risk is still relatively low compared to other activities such as unprotected anal sex.
You probably don’t need to get tested. Just make sure you use condoms and water-based lube every time you have sex. It’s important to use condoms and lube, even if you’re in a relationship, because approximately half of all HIV infections among gay and bisexual men in NZ occur within relationships. That is, one partner unwittingly passes HIV onto the other partner without even realising they had it. So to protect yourself and your boyfriend you should get into the habit of using condoms and lube from your first time.
It may be a difficult conversation to have with your boyfriend, but it’s an important one to have if you want to protect each other. It might go something like this:
“Because you care for me I know that it would be really hard to tell me you’d fucked someone else. And it would be hard for me to tell you if I did the same. Since nothing’s as important as caring for each other, let’s use condoms.”
-
Q. Can you get HIV if your partner doesn’t have it? Say two guys are going to have sex and both are virgins. Can they still get HIV from having sex unprotected?
A.View AnswerIf you are both virgins then the chances of either of you having HIV are very low, unless you’ve been in contact with infected blood at some point. So your risk of infecting one another is low. But if you start having sex without condoms, how will you keep safe over time?
Without being pessimistic, you don’t know for sure that he is a virgin despite what he tells you. Also, if you continue a sexual relationship with this guy how do you know what else he is up to? Monogamy is not something you count on as a prevention method and we certainly wouldn’t recommend anyone do so. The reality is that approximately half of all HIV infections among gay and bisexual men in NZ occur within relationships. That is, one partner unwittingly passes HIV onto the other partner without even realising they had it.
It may be a difficult conversation to have with your partner, but it’s an important one to have if you want to protect each other. It might go something like this:
“Because you care for me I know that it would be really hard to tell me you’d fucked someone else, that you’d had unprotected sex, and to be honest about everything else you might get up to. Just like it would be hard for me to tell you if I did any of those things. Since nothing’s as important as caring for each other, let’s use condoms.”
-
Q. I am 56 and for the first time I am really keen to have sex with another guy. Am I weird at this late stage in life and if ok where can I safely meet another guy without being exposed to weird people? Find I am dressing trying to appeal to guys too not just girls. Went to a nude beach and got freeked - it was something out of another planet. Strange guys running around trying to hit on first timers. Where to from here? Any advice would be welcome. Thanks.
A.View AnswerThe first time for anyone regardless of your age can be new and scary. There are many ways in which guys can meet or hook up and some of them can be viewed as weird by those who do not know/understand the way things work.
Obviously you have tried meeting at a nude beach, we call these public places “beats”. Beats are used by men who want a quick and casual hook up, usually not leading to any conversations, just sex.
There are other places you could meet people, the internet is a good discreet place to meet men, you can specify what you are looking for and screen potential men that you would like to meet. NZDating and Manhunt have a good selection of men to choose from, as do mobile apps such as Grindr and Scruff.
If the internet is not for you, another good place to meet men is sex on site venues, the men who frequent these places are looking for sex but there are places in the venues for you to have coffee and a chat with someone and there is no obligation to have sex. Click on the link below for locations of sex on site venues.
If you do decide to have sex with a man there are some things you need to know – learn all about it by clicking on the ‘First Timers’ link below.
We also have condom packing on nights in all our major centres ( Auckland, Wellington, Christchurch) where you can meet men in a safe non-sex environment, where you can talk and mingle with other guys. You can find out more by clicking on the link below.
-
Q. Recently, I've been extremely worried. I engage in sex for the first time (Im 18) with a guy who's 19 and we had unprotected oral sex with each other (both receptive and insertive oral sex) Im really afraid that I have contracted HIV from him. It hasn't helped either that I have spent literally hours on Google looking up information on HIV from oral sex and this has only further fuelled my anxiety. It has gotten to the stage where Im feeling a bit suicidal. He has assured me that he's negative saying he tested negative 2 weeks ago and I have kept on asking him to the point that he's said I'm overreacting, but I cant trust him as he said he has multiple sex partners in the past. I know that there's a very small chance (that I could have contracted the virus via oral sex with him (about 1 in 10000 according to the CDC) assuming that he was even HIV+ hence why I'm worried cos Im afraid I could have taken that 1 in 10000 chance. My question is what is the likelihood that I could have contracted HIV from him and will a test at 6 weeks/ 3 months / 6 months be fully conclusive for the low risk activity that I engaged in? And during the time that he gave me a blowjob, could his saliva have entered the tip of my penis and cause me to contract HIV? Also when I gave him a blowjob (he's uncircumcised) could just sucking him also cause me to contract the virus. One thing to note is that we did not ejaculated into each other's mouth and also engaged in frottaging. I am so very worried and scared of the unknown !! :( Thank you very much!
A.View AnswerAs you have read online, the risk of contracting HIV from oral sex is very very low. To give you some peace of mind, you can get tested now and then get tested again in a few months when the window period has closed. We are concerned about your levels of anxiety - a blowjob is supposed to be fun and really shouldn’t cause you this much worry. We suggest you contact our friends at NZAF, they can arrange a FASTest for you (a quick HIV test and you’ll have the results in 20 min) and they have counselors who can help you work through your anxiety. They are very professional and care about your wellbeing. Call them on 0800 80 2437.
-
Q. I recently started having sex but I don't have a partner to have sex with and I'm only 14 and dating sites don't take that age. What do I do?
A.View AnswerWe know that youth are engaging in all sorts of sexual behaviour at all sorts of ages. We’re not here to judge, but we will point out that having sex with someone under the age of 16 is against the law. We suggest giving the great team at YOUTHline a call on 0800 37 66 33 to talk it out. As for where to meet other people - dating sites are not a safe way for someone your age to meet someone. If you are gay or bisexual we suggest joining a group with Rainbow Youth or another local gay youth group where you can meet like-minded young people.
-
Q. I just turned 18 and my boyfriend has been asking for anal sex. I am open to the idea, but really worried about being embarrassed by any smells he might smell or him getting any gross stuff on his penis. What can I do to make sure my ass is clean and free from crap when he tries? He's also talked about fingering my asshole, but I don't want his fingers to stink afterwards. What shall I do?
A.View AnswerYou can douche. Douching is the process of cleaning out your rectum with water. Click on the link below for a great guide on how to douche.
-
Q. I am 17 and from a very small town far away from others. I only just recently met other gay kids around my age but I have found out that out of them all I'm the only one that still has my virginity and nearly all of them are younger than me. I talked to someone that facilitates a group for gay youth and he himself told me I was weird for not losing my virginity yet. He seemed surprised. Am I weird? Because I really feel like it.
A.View AnswerNo, you’re not weird. Many guys lose their virginity at a much later age than 17. There really is no such thing as a normal age to lose your virginity. To be honest, some guys talk shit when they talk about losing their virginity so you’re not doing yourself any favours by comparing yourself to them. Do what feels right for you, don’t worry about what others tell you, and don’t feel pressured into doing something just because you think everyone else is doing it. You only lose your virginity once and the memory of it will stick with your forever so you better make sure it’s on your terms and it’s what you want to do.
-
Q. Does anal sex cause the anal sphincter to become loose? Can it get back to be like the very first time after having anal sex several times?
A.View AnswerGenerally speaking, no, anal sex does not cause the sphincter to become loose. The anal sphincter is usually quite elastic and with patience will stretch comfortably and return to it’s normal size after sex. To prevent any damage to the sphincter be sure to penetrate the opening slowly with your well-lubed finger and then try two or three fingers. This helps to open up your ass before getting fucked. If you use plenty of water based lube (and condoms of course) when fucking the likelihood of damaging the sphincter is small.
However, forced entry – ‘pushing past the pain’ which is often shown in porn –, very large dildos, butt plugs and fisting can cause bleeding and tear your sphincter muscles.
-
Q. Why does my ass get tight when I finger myself? Every time I try to finger my self it gets tight and I can't work around it. What do I do?
A.View AnswerIf your ass suddenly tightens, don’t be alarmed. It’s just an automatic response by a muscle called the sphincter. The way to work around this is to penetrate the opening slowly with your well-lubed finger and then let the sphincter tighten. As soon as it tightens, pull your finger out again. Wait 30 seconds and then begin to finger your arse again – this time you’ll find it a lot easier.
If you liked a finger inside you, try something bigger – two or even three fingers, or maybe a dildo (start out small). Remember when you’re playing with your arse not to push objects all the way in – it can be extremely difficult to get them out again!
-
Q. Can having anal sex damage you internally? I think I read it somewhere. Like, if his cock goes in pretty far, can it do damage inside you? Like to your organs and stuff?
A.View AnswerIt is somewhat rare to get internal damage from anal sex if you do it correctly. When having anal sex you need to use a good water-based lube (and condoms, of course) and start slow to not cause damage to the anal sphincter. Once your ass is relaxed and you start fucking there is unlikely to be any issue. However, if the top is too rough or his cock is incredibly large there is the possibility of some bleeding or other damage. There is no need to worry if you both know what you are doing. Click on the link below to watch our video on how to have anal sex - it has great tips on how to do it if you are a top or a bottom:
-
Q. My friend and I are bi and want to have sex. we are both 17 and our sexuality is a secret. We need to know how or where to get condoms and lube. We don't feel comfortable enough to go buy lube because it needs to be anal lube and don't want to be questioned by anyone about why we need that type. If you know of anywhere we can get condoms and lube on-line and receive it in a private box that would be much appreciated. Because we dont want the box saying what we are receiving. Thank you and I really hope to hear from you.
A.View AnswerOk, so the lube you want is a water-based lube such as KY Jelly or Durex Play. Water-based lube is very common and won’t damage a latex condom. The good news is this type of lube isn’t sold as “anal lube” - it’s the same lube that straight couples use and it can be purchased along with condoms from any pharmacy or supermarket. The even better news is you can get it for free here on our website. Click on the link below, fill out the form and we’ll send you 2 x condom and 2 x lube packs in an unmarked envelope, free of charge.
-
Q. I'm a 16yr old and would love to have a gay encounter. Is this allowed? Could I sign onto a gay dating site for guys near my age in my area or must I be 18? If so, where else would a 16yr old go to find a sexual partner?
A.View AnswerAt age 16 you absolutely can have gay sex. Most dating sites are R18 but have a good browse on-line, you might find some that allow 16yo members. Depending on where you are, you might like to talk to the guys at Rainbow Youth or Curious to find young gay guys in your area. Click on the links below.
Also, don’t feel pressured into doing anything you don’t want to do, and if and when you eventually have sex, be sure to use condoms & lube, to protect you and your partner from STIs and HIV.
-
Q. I am 22yo and my girlfriend is also 22yo. We kiss and smooch. I also masturbate her vagina with my fingers. I did this several times in the last few months. The last couple of months she got her period around the 25th of the month. She was expecting her period around last week of October... But on the 21st or 22nd October I kissed her and masturbated her vagina with my fingers... she is scared since she hasn't got her period yet. Is there a possibility of pregnancy or she is not getting her period because I masturbate her just before her period date.
A.View AnswerThere is no possibility of pregnancy or STI transmission from masturbation or kissing, they are two really safe ways to express yourself sexually. Oral sex is also low risk for passing STI’s and has no risk of pregnancy. However, it is important to wear a condom every time you have anal or vaginal sex to protect you both from STI’s and pregnancy. If you are concerned about her getting pregnant, it’s worth going to a GP or sexual health clinic to discuss contraception with them to find something that is best for her and you.
In terms of her periods, relax - masturbation will not have an effect on them. There are lots of things like hormonal changes which can potentially impact a woman’s menstrual cycle and it’s a good idea for your girlfriend to make an appointment with her GP to talk about her issues if she’s worried. All Doctors should be very supportive & helpful to you both.
-
Q. I was wondering if it's normal for a 13 year old to be gay or bi and if it's ok for him to have sex or blow jobs?
A.View AnswerIf you’re feeling attracted to other guys then you are probably gay or bisexual. There is no ‘normal’ age to come to terms with your sexuality - some guys realise it in their teens and others much later in life. If you feel like you’d like to talk to someone about it, you can chat to the team at OutlineNZ (0800 OutlineNZ), or if you’re under 28 you can contact Rainbow Youth. As for having sex, we’re not here to judge, but we will point out that having sex with someone under the age of 16 is against the law. We suggest giving the great team at YOUTHline a call on 0800 37 66 33 to talk it out first. Also, don’t feel pressured into doing anything you don’t want to do. If and when you have sex, be sure to use condoms & lube, to protect you and your partner from STIs and HIV.
-
Q. I'm 14 and I want to have sex. It's very annoying. Am I too young?
A.View AnswerWe know that our youth are engaging in all sorts of sexual behaviour at all sorts of ages. We’re not here to judge, but we will point out that having sex with someone under the age of 16 is against the law. We suggest giving the great team at YOUTHline a call on 0800 37 66 33 to talk it out first.
Also, don’t feel pressured into doing anything you don’t want to do, and if and when you eventually have sex, be sure to use condoms & lube, to protect you and your partner from STIs and HIV. -
Q. I'm bisexual and I've got a boyfriend.. neither of us have had sex before. If we have anal or oral sex, can i get HIV? Or another illness?
A.View AnswerIf neither of you have had sex before you should not be at risk of sexually transmitted infections such as gonorrhoea, chlamydia or syphilis. However HIV can be exchanged via other fluid exchanges such as sharing needles, and genital warts and herpes can be passed on via skin to skin contact, so always use condoms, just to be sure.
Also, we can only be sure of our own sexual history, not anyone else’s, so it is always best to use condoms every-time.
-
Q. Hey. I'm bisexual . I've been experimenting with different types of things when I do things with a guy. but I'm still a virgin from behind. I'm scared it'll hurt. Will it?
A.View AnswerEveryone experiences anal sex in different ways. Some guys find they love to get fucked and some guys never really feel comfortable with it. It’s one of those things that you either like - you’re probably a bottom, dislike - you’re probably a top, or don’t mind either way - you’re probably versatile.
One way to find out is to experiment. You will experience a lot of new sensations with anal sex, particularly when you first start. It doesn’t need to be painful if you start off in the right way, but it will likely be slightly uncomfortable at first until you get used to the sensations - or decide it’s not for you. Both options are just as ok!
Click the link below to find out about how to experiment safely
-
Q. I want to try on a condom but I am too nervous to let my dad know, what should I do?
A.View AnswerIf you’re thinking about becoming sexually active then talking to someone about sex and being safe can be difficult, but it is really important. If you have trouble talking to your parents there are other people who you may find it easier to talk to.
You could try your school counsellor, Youthline 0800 37 66 33, or (if you are gay or bi) OUTLine (0800 688 5463) or curious.org.nz. You’re right to think that condoms are important – they protect you and your partner from HIV and most other Sexually Transmitted Infections.
They are available at supermarkets, pharmacies, and are available in bulk for only $3 from your nearest sexual health clinic or Family Planning. Also, Get it On! can send you some condoms in an unmarked envelope, just click the link below